Thursday, April 14, 2016

HELP! MY WIFE IS TOO INSECURE!

 

"Who was that?"
"Who were you talking to on phone?"
"Who are you chatting with at this time of the night?"
"Who is that girl?"
“Why are you always talking to her?"
“Why is she always calling you?"
On and on and on the grilling goes. It never seems to end! Your wife 'policing' you as it were. Monitoring your moves and your calls. She checks through your phone call records and chats. She wants to know who you had 'been with' in the virtual world of technology via chats, phone calls etc. She doesn't stop there, sadly. Sometimes she goes ahead to 'communicate' with the other party. That contact can go anywhere from 'who are you' to ' leave my husband alone you....!' This scenario plays out in more than a few homes almost on a daily basis. This has put untold strain on many relationships to say the least. Many men, in response yell in desperation, "So I cannot talk to any other woman except you now?" "Why do you want to know who is calling me or who I am speaking to on phone?" "Why are you always checking my phone?" "Why are you monitoring me?" "Stop trailing me like my shadow; stop!"
I can't keep myself from giggling at this point!!!

So what some guys do is to go underground and become extremely secretive in their dealings so as to avoid madam's wrath. They go stealth in their operations! They safeguard their tech 'footprints' by installing all kinds of passwords on their devices- phones, I-pads, laptops, tablets etc. in order to restrict access. Some erase 'incriminating' call and chat history before they get back home. Some make sure their phones are never out of their sight or their reach, even in the bathroom! Lol! Well guys, can I be really honest with you? Please understand that what fuels or stirs a woman's feelings of insecurity in marriage is her stake in the relationship. She values you. She values her relationship with you, and you will agree with me that the stakes are high for her (and for you too I concur). That is the root of her insecurity. The fear that another woman may be interested in spoiling what she has going for her (doesn't that make you gloat somewhat? Lol!), is what moves her to 'protect' her turf! 

With so many ladies on the prowl, it's not about whether you intend to have an affair or not. It is that the possibility for that to happen exists if care is not taken, even if that was never your plan in the first instance. The stakes are high for her, her future, her children if any and so on. Please appreciate that and see things from her perspective. This is not to excuse her behaviour in any way but at least it helps you understand the underlying idea or force that drives that behaviour. Let me add though that many women's insecurities derive from previous hurts (especially from other men). Some of them have been beaten and battered emotionally and have come to a point where they find it hard to be vulnerable by trusting a man completely. Still for some women, past failures and labels stuck on them by unsuspecting teachers, parents, guardians etc birthed a sense of insufficiency and not being good enough. They had to endure being compared to others and had to struggle to get attention and praise. So they go through life fighting anything that even remotely hints at them not being good enough! 

Next, guys please do not be naive! That you are not having sex with another woman does not mean you are not connecting with her emotionally in an unhealthy manner. Inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex are not limited to the bedroom alone. Unhealthy bonds and soul ties do take place sometimes where you become totally absorbed and obsessed with another woman. This goes to the extent that some men haven't had a good day until they have spoken to, seen or chatted with the girl, sometimes over unimportant issues! They just pay her undue attention because without even knowing it, she has them wrapped around her little finger and he will stop at nothing to justify his relationship with her, because after all, he is not sleeping with her...yet! 
Matthew 5:2828 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.  

Closely linked to this is the fact that most men think that simply because they do not plan on cheating on their wives that it can never happen to them. Hello! Please wake up! No matter your plans or lack thereof, it does not eliminate the possibility of the other lady being interested in you. Many well-meaning men who have been victims of adulterous relationships will attest to this. Plus the Bible warns us thus: 1 Corinthians 10:1212 Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall. Women know this truth too well. So while the man is busy rationalizing his relationship with the lady on the basis of "I am not planning to have an affair with her," his wife knows that that argument does not make you immune to the potential for adultery. It is a case of ' I trust you as my husband but I do not trust the other woman/women around you.' 
Alright now so how do you handle this kind of situation where your wife's behaviour amounts to borderline extreme possessiveness?

Having understood what fuels this feeling in her, your best approach is to completely eliminate anything that smacks of an unhealthy relationship with the opposite sex. This is best done by being as transparent and open as possible in all your dealings. I cannot emphasize this enough. If indeed you have nothing to hide, relate freely with everyone in her presence. Make and pick your calls with freedom in her presence. Put your calls on speaker sometimes in her presence, deliberately. (I have observed that my husband does that a lot). Let her answer your calls sometimes and take a message from the caller. Let her have the password to your phone and other devices if you have such. If she 'must never touch' your phone, then you have some shady deals going on. Period. 

If she wants to know who you spoke to on phone, let her know. Answer her questions honestly, because your anger and irritation at being 'queried' is a subtle indication that you have something to hide. If you don't then there is no need to be angry at the enquiries made by the one with whom you are one flesh! In other words, build trust consciously in your relationship with your spouse. Act in a trustworthy manner all the time. Let your yes be yes and your no be always no. If you say you are going someplace, don't be found someplace else. If plans change midway, communicate the change in plans to her as soon as possible. Trust is very fragile. It is built over time as a result of daily observations, experiences, encounters, interactions and going through life together, and the choices you make in all these instances. You do not gain your wife's trust by asking for it! 

A wife whose trust you have gained will relax with you. She has learnt by her experiences with you that you are trustworthy. You do not need to be angry at her outbursts or constant questioning. All that is needed is for you to go out of your way to make her know that she is your one and only. 
Don't just say it.
Show it.
Act it.
Let her have no reason to ever find out something about you that shocks her, because you deliberately kept it under wraps from her. This includes even other relationships apart from with other women. Ensure that you have boundaries in place as far as relating with other women goes. Let your female acquaintances, colleagues, business partners etc. know that there is a line they cannot cross in relating with you. Don't let other women 'like' you while 'not liking' or disrespecting your wife.

Also, let these 'friends' be your wife's friends too. Do it deliberately. Involve her (even if only as an observer) in your matters with them. What if she messes things up and misbehaves to them, you may ask? That is where advance communication and openness comes in. Talk to her about your intentions, while reassuring her that she remains your numero Uno! Tell her your expectations and let her know you trust her to come through for you. Listen to her concerns and then go ahead to allay her fears. See, all an insecure wife seeks is validation from you! She needs constant reassurance from you that she is valued and loved. Being there for her will help her heal faster and overcome her insecurities. That's it! If there are other deep-seated issues going on or if things have gotten out of control, please seek help fast!

Gentlemen, I rest my case here.
I hope this serves as a good starting point to reverse the current trend of mistrust in your relationship with your wives.
I welcome your comments and contributions that will benefit others as well.
Have a blast guys!
Shalom

25 comments:

  1. This is a good work mummy, am blessed with this article. I have been this kind of man that don't like to be questioned knowing that am not doing anything wrong. But now know I should answer all these questions

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    1. There's a well researched volume on this subject which may help many. 'Hold Me Tight: 7 conversations for a lifetime of love' was written by Sue Johnson. She's a psychologist acclaimed as 1 of the originators of the commended Emotionally Focussed Couple Therapy approach for developing loving relationships. Its a short, well written and easy to read volume.

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  2. Wow!!! I'm not yet married though. But this is more than interesting Mama. My little contribution is this. Some women finds it impossible to let go. As long as you've accepted your mistake and apologised truly to her. But she'll forever remind you of the past whenever there's a little misunderstanding. But d guys will try as much as they can not to remind her of hers for d sake of peace and continuity in d relationship. Sometimes I just get scared of d union 'Marriage'. God please help me ooo

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    1. Lol!!! Anthony, there is nothing to be scared of. Trust me, the benefits far outweigh the other 'down sides' of marriage IF you have the relevant knowledge and right attitude to handling issues that may crop up along the way. People change with time when treated better than they deserve!
      Blessings to you!

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  3. Lots of wisdom in this, I also think the woman should address her securities too as it takes two to make any relationship work. She must see herself of being worth of the turf she's trying to protect. Self worth and self love is vital if she doesn't have this, sadly no matter how hard the guy tries she'll never be satisfied.

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    1. Mofoluwaso that certainly is a very important flip side to this.
      Bless you sis.

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  4. Thanks Mummy. This is deep and thought inspiring. Infidelity in any form naturally births insecurity in every form.

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    1. Thanks Pastor David. It certainly is a vicious cycle that does no good.
      Blessings!

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  5. Great piece of work, this is timely as am on the verge of ending a three years relationship.I have to explain my calls, i must have to identify where i am and even handover the phone for someone to ascertain my location. We have talked about it severally but to no avail. I have lost so many good female friends even in the Church. Some just say hi from a distance lately and move to avoid her wahala. I've taken her to my family, my office, in my neighborhood. Everyone knows she's the woman in my life BUT yet she does it still. It hurts me deep down my heart 247. I feel the pain daily that after a hard day work before i even eat my phone rings and is where were you i called , you didnt pick...we will then start. We spend days quarreling over who called, or my chats or even a comment on facebook. At times friends intervene to settle us. Mummy, i read your article, I have a better insight now but i think the lady in question has exceeded. I think am tired carrying or suffering from someone else's baggage in the past. I want to be happy and as i cant get it and i have made plans to end it the next time i see or talk to her.

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    1. I feel you, Tunde and I can only pray that the Lord guides you and helps you to make the right decision
      According to Num. 36:6 God is not against us thinking through our choice of who to marry. It is well with you.

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  6. Wow!This is Great .Lesson learned.May God almighty increase your wisdom more in Jesus name.Am blessed with this ma.
    Kaffy Okawoyin,Hiustin,Texas.

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  7. Thank you so very much for this wisdom Ma'am, I deeply appreciate.
    Blessings to yoy!

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    1. Blessings to you too Moses. Thank you for stopping by.

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  8. I appreciate you for this write up Ma. I don't even know you I saw this write up shared on Facebook and decided to read. Not only have I been blessed, I have also found someone who really understands my view point. You made so many points I just wish husbands could read this write up too.WORD- " Inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex are not limited to the bedroom alone". God bless you . I will begin to visit your blog since I know I can learn a lot. God bless you Ma.

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    1. Thanks for visiting my blog. Thank God you were blessed. See you around!

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  9. The reason a wife feels insecure is because the husband make her feel that way. She doesn't trust him because he done something to make her feel that way. When she is with him he's always looking at other women and when he is confronted about it he gets upset and deny it. A wife should never feel insecure because one of the husband duty is to protect her be like Christ did for the church love her.

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  10. It's up to the husband to make her feel secure again. It will take some time because you have done something wrong to make her feel that way. Then a wife should not play games by saying he hurt me I'm going to pay him back for what he done. Do like Jesus did father forgive him for he know not what you have done. Forgive as Christ for give you and give him a chance to clean up his mess anyway his mess becomes a US because two becomes one.

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  11. It's up to the husband to make her feel secure again. It will take some time because you have done something wrong to make her feel that way. Then a wife should not play games by saying he hurt me I'm going to pay him back for what he done. Do like Jesus did father forgive him for he know not what you have done. Forgive as Christ for give you and give him a chance to clean up his mess anyway his mess becomes a US because two becomes one.

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  12. God bless u ma for this piece.my wife nd I have access to each other phone.she always have my phone nd tablet passwrd.so do I.but mummy I want to ask you a question.my wife wants to ask for financial favour from her old sch male friend due to our financial issues for now.but I stopped her.nd told her that I don't like it.since its coming from a male friend.

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    1. Hi Ray. Good to know that you and your wife relate in such an open manner. That forms a great platform upon which to build your relationship step by step, taking it to the highest level possible.
      Your concerns about her male old school mate is valid because it holds the potential for being misconstrued even if not today but sometime in the future.
      Unless he is a mutual friend, and unless it is you doing the asking from a friend on behalf of your family, it is not a wise step to take.
      Explain that to your wife as best you can without stirring any unnecessary dust.
      Hopefully she'll understand.
      May the Lord send you help from above and turn your fortunes around as a family.
      Shalom.

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    2. Thank you very much ma for your words of advise.it's highly noted.Just to let you know also that am one of son in Accra Ghana head branch but I relocated back to nija and presently base in P.H with my family.hope to see you soon.I was able to obtain the contact of your church..highflyers' ministry..God bless you ma for doing his good work...Amen

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  13. Thanks ma'am. I just stumbled on your blog. Please can I ask a question? What can I do to trust again? I have been cheated many times by my dear husband and though I still like him a lot the love is no longer there. I am actually at the verge of infidelity cos av come to see it as a normal thing. That how bad av been damaged. Pls help me.

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